Retrospective: Chaos

I made plans in August of last year to visit a friend of mine, Jess, in South Texas. She lived near Houston, I lived near Dallas and we planned to meet in San Antonio and make loads of terrible choices. That was the plan anyway. One week later, my boyfriend dumped me. Upon hearing this news, Jess jumped in her car and drove straight up to see me. She is a selfless person like that. She stayed in town for a couple of days, we went out for meals for the most part and she was there to talk me through what felt like a death in my family. Well, something did die.

For two weeks after the break-up, I slept on a day bed in the front room of my house. I couldn't sleep in my room, the place where it all ended. The place where I had planned to do a silly half naked dance for my boyfriend, vulnerable and without a care in the world (because I got to see him finally after a really busy week), but was delivered a crushing blow instead. Jess slept in my bedroom while she stayed at my house. Each day she would ask me if I wanted to clean my room, which was a catastrophe to say the very least. Calling it messy, unorganized and gross barely scratches the surface. Each day the plea to clean it became more and more desperate. I did not understand why until she was in tears.

"Chaos," she said, "You're life is in utter chaos and you are waking up in chaos everyday. This is the one place you need to be the most put together, the most calm. Otherwise your environment will perpetuate whatever is going on in your life. I am begging you, let me clean your room. You need this."

She was right. Beyond right. The work began. It took two days. We piled up and threw away trash, shredded documents, bought crates, picture frames, shelves, baskets, candle holders, candles, statuettes, house plants, wall art, new bedding and a bookshelf. Everyday after waking up, I made my bed. clothes were never dropped on the floor. For two whole months, my room became an oasis of tranquility, a safe place, spotless from corner to corner. That was the first time in my life that I had ever taken care of my space like that. Later followed my bathroom, living room, car and my purse. Everything became clean organized and spotless.

I remember sobbing in my newly cleaned room. It was different than crying in the mess I had before. After collasping on my bed and staining the duvet with my tears, I would stare out the window at a tree waving about over tall grass. I was sad, but I knew I was somewhere designed to heal me. I needed this specific lifestyle while my heart was on the mend. A hospital for my soul.

Why only for two months? To be discussed later. For now, I raise my glass to Jess, my break-up Superwoman and one of the best people I could ever know.

Authentically: Thankful