The Home Field Advantage

I ran into my ex last November at a show, where I was drunk, most of the people there were my friends and the band playing was a band I introduced him to. It was helpful that he looked totally unattractive and his girlfriend (8 years his junior), usually pretty, looked like she was 12. I was hot, dancing and having a great time and guys bought me drinks all night, then I got laid. It was quite the triumphant night.

A couple nights ago was quite different. I arrived late to a concert of a group I auditioned for but didn't make it into. Not only was the new girlfriend in it, the TV outside the hall had her face on it the whole time. She was flawless, beautiful. Seeing her face made me ill.


It is probably important to mention that my ex broke up with me because he didn't want to be in an interracial marriage. I could go on about how it ripped me apart, how I couldn't look in the mirror, etc. but that is not what this post is about. More than six months later, I was shedding tears.

Perhaps because this time, I was on her turf...

I felt lonely and like a loser. I felt all of those feelings of rejection again. I escaped the hall as soon as the conductor took his last bow. Two nights later I had a vivid sex dream with my ex in it. I am feeling inconfident and not good enough all over again. He is back in my head but this time I don't think it will last too long. The next time I see him sober it will be easier. It was a necessary painful experience, and in retrospect it didn't last too long, like ripping off a band-aid...made of duct tape.

Next time it will not matter where we run into eachother or how drunk or sober I am, it will not always be like this. I really believe that.

Authentically: Hopeful

Friends Don't Fuck

I suppose there are several ways to respond to someone you have had meaningless sex with. You could either choose to never see this person again, be friends with this person, be weird around this person or a combination of the latter two. The last guy I slept with chose the latter two. It was not fun. I don't think I would ever want to be in a relationship with this guy, but hearing him talk about other girls and seeing him actively ignoring me was bothersome. I was emotionally attached and his avoiding me felt like rejection. If he didn't avoid me I might still be okay with casual sex, so it may just be this one guy. Then again, I could also choose to never have sex outside of a relationship and avoid this feeling altogether.

I vow not to ever sleep with this guy again. Every time he comes into town I sleep with him. The unfortunate thing is, afterward, he isn't comfortable around me. We're not really friends. We never gave each other a chance to be friends because of the sex. I sincerely hope this changes. I will always be thankful to him for helping me restore my confidence after my boyfriend left me, but the awkwardness has to stop. I no longer wish to put myself in a position to be rejected in this way, so the casual sex cruise will need to sail out of my personal revolution.

Authentically: Remorseful

Jelly Beans

I am not sure this new guy I had drinks with last night is interested in me. If he isn't, whatever. If he is, well, I don't know. He is a sweet hopeless romantic who never lets me pay for anything, but I can't avoid this feeling of wanting to jump out the window and run away screaming with my arms flailing in the air at the very thought of his attraction to me.

Right now, I don't want to be in a relationship, but I do want all of the perks. I miss holding hands, having a guy take the tab even when I offer to pay, the random phone calls and text messages, the intimate sex, cooking together and dancing together.

I want a "jelly bean." A decadent jelly bean. Like a dark chocolate truffle jelly bean, or an apple pie... I can taste the dessert the jelly bean emulates without the calories of the actual food. I'm sure I will eventually think, "Wait, this is just a jelly bean...I want a REAL banana split," but for now I would rather not. I would rather not deal with commitment.

I would normally say, as one would say when they have had their heart shattered, that I don't want to be with anyone unless he is extraordinary. The truth is, I'm scared. I was hurt. I do not want to deal with the possibility of being hurt again...yet.

Authentically: Afraid

The Error 404

I am not a morning person, and much like one who does not wish to get out of bed, I remain in bed with my laptop propped over my bent knees. This laptop feels like new, I just got it fixed at the local Geek Squad after it had been terminal for the last three months. When I looked to see if all of my photo files had remained from the massive removal of viruses, I came across a folder of pictures of me and my ex-boyfriend.

It was a ghostly experience, almost as if none of these events in the photos actually happened in real life. I tried to imagine his arm around me, his touch...but I couldn't feel it. I tried to imagine the genuine joy I was experiencing in those images, I couldn't remember it. How interesting...

Have you ever erased a file on your computer even though the shortcut remained on your desktop? What happens when you click on it? The screen flashes "File not found." Apparently, that is what my mind has done. All the things I held onto that made this breakup so hard has been thrown into the recycle bin. I couldn't be happier that my mind has this feature. That Twitter link I clicked on that disabled my laptop for three months wound up being a blessing.

I immediately erased all of his pictures off of my media drive. I think one of the most beautiful things about taking photos is to be able to recall an experience in my senses and my emotions. I can smell the apple pie I baked just by looking at the photo I took of it. I remember the feel of the monkey bars I used to swing from as a child in the photo my dad took. What is a captured image if it is missing its essence?

Authentically: Vacant