I am not sure this new guy I had drinks with last night is interested in me. If he isn't, whatever. If he is, well, I don't know. He is a sweet hopeless romantic who never lets me pay for anything, but I can't avoid this feeling of wanting to jump out the window and run away screaming with my arms flailing in the air at the very thought of his attraction to me.
Right now, I don't want to be in a relationship, but I do want all of the perks. I miss holding hands, having a guy take the tab even when I offer to pay, the random phone calls and text messages, the intimate sex, cooking together and dancing together.
I want a "jelly bean." A decadent jelly bean. Like a dark chocolate truffle jelly bean, or an apple pie... I can taste the dessert the jelly bean emulates without the calories of the actual food. I'm sure I will eventually think, "Wait, this is just a jelly bean...I want a REAL banana split," but for now I would rather not. I would rather not deal with commitment.
I would normally say, as one would say when they have had their heart shattered, that I don't want to be with anyone unless he is extraordinary. The truth is, I'm scared. I was hurt. I do not want to deal with the possibility of being hurt again...yet.
Authentically: Afraid
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