I ran into my ex last November at a show, where I was drunk, most of the people there were my friends and the band playing was a band I introduced him to. It was helpful that he looked totally unattractive and his girlfriend (8 years his junior), usually pretty, looked like she was 12. I was hot, dancing and having a great time and guys bought me drinks all night, then I got laid. It was quite the triumphant night.
A couple nights ago was quite different. I arrived late to a concert of a group I auditioned for but didn't make it into. Not only was the new girlfriend in it, the TV outside the hall had her face on it the whole time. She was flawless, beautiful. Seeing her face made me ill.
It is probably important to mention that my ex broke up with me because he didn't want to be in an interracial marriage. I could go on about how it ripped me apart, how I couldn't look in the mirror, etc. but that is not what this post is about. More than six months later, I was shedding tears.
Perhaps because this time, I was on her turf...
I felt lonely and like a loser. I felt all of those feelings of rejection again. I escaped the hall as soon as the conductor took his last bow. Two nights later I had a vivid sex dream with my ex in it. I am feeling inconfident and not good enough all over again. He is back in my head but this time I don't think it will last too long. The next time I see him sober it will be easier. It was a necessary painful experience, and in retrospect it didn't last too long, like ripping off a band-aid...made of duct tape.
Next time it will not matter where we run into eachother or how drunk or sober I am, it will not always be like this. I really believe that.
Authentically: Hopeful
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